Discerning Drinking, Chapter Eleven.


Originally posted 3rd June 2012

Edit 7th May 2020: Take this whole post with a pinch of salt considering certain recent Corona-related events…

With such glorious weather as we had last week (obviously today, things are a little more wet, as Elizabeth II will testify), commuting to work on a crowded, sweaty Central Line was worse than usual.  But, I ask you, was there any way that it could be made any more unbearable?

Yes there was.  Because, for the very first time in 11 years of employment, I had to take a day off sick.  In fact, I had to leave early the day before as well, succumbing to a rather vengeful bout of stomach flu, no doubt brought on by a unhygienic oik on the Underground (though I also like to think that my current impeccable eating habits means that the flu was my gut’s way of saying “Please Mike, can I have a doughnut?”).

So imagine getting from Central London to Limehouse on the tube, knowing that at any second I may involuntarily do something very embarrassing (I’ll leave that one to your imagination).  It made the journey worse than watching the Human Centipede.  Horrendous.

The resulting day off meant that I had plenty of time to think of new things to drink, however alcohol was out of the question and I soon discovered that pretty much everything else was.

However, I was in luck, as I discovered a great recipe for something called a:

‘Glass of Water’

  • 6 shots of ‘Water’ (from a tap)

Combine ingredients into a glass (don’t add ice as you are too weak to do so).  Gently sip and then curl up on the floor of the bathroom waiting to see what will happen next.

I tired of water rather quickly but managed to graduate onto a drink called..

‘Lucozade on the Rocks’

  • 6 shots Lucozade original
  • Ice

Fill glass with ice and top with Lucozade.  Consume whilst sitting in comfy chair, eating bread and watching ‘Doctors’ and the Jeremy Kyle Show.*

Finally, after a couple more naps and towards the end of my tragic day off work I was ready for – shock horror – a smoothie…

Banana and Pineapple Smoothie

  • Glass of fresh pineapple juice
  • 1 whole banana
  • Dash lemon juice
  • Dash sugar syrup
  • Ice

Blend all ingredients together and serve with a straw and a SMILE…

The purpose of the lemon juice is to stop the banana losing its colour (like apples, they turn a rather unappetising shade of brown) and the sugar syrup brings the sweetness back.  As a healthy smoothie, I am no nutritionist so I am not sure; but there is a shedload of energy to be had and it sorted me out after a few hours of involuntary daytime TV, that’s for sure.  It’s a damn good breakfast drink.

So, come Wednesday I was back at work – a little bit weak – but over the worst.  Still, at least the whole sorry affair helped me lose a bit more weight in preparation for the Three Peaks…

Happy Jubilee Weekend everyone!

*I am aware that due to its astronomical sugar content, Lucozade is not the best drink to have if you are suffering from stomach problems, but only found that out after I drank it… So if you are laid up in bathroom, listening to Neighbours or the One O Clock News down the hallway, I am probably duty-bound to recommend that you stick to water (probably cheaper as well).

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